Will the real Republicans please stand up?

Why do Republicans devalue intelligence? Republicans use the word “intellectual” as a pejorative. One of Newt Gingrich’s attack ads directed at Mitt Romney mocks him for speaking French in talking about the 2002 Winter Olympics held in Salt Lake City, for which the official language was French. In fact, Gingrich once said about himself, "I'm not a natural leader. I'm too intellectual; I'm too abstract; I think too much” (1995).

Republican attack ads against Elizabeth Warren in the Massachusetts senatorial race pitting her against Scott Brown refer to her disparagingly as, “Professor Warren.” Michele Bachmann in criticizing Barack Obama, mockingly called him “professorial.” Obama was editor of the Harvard Law Review and taught Constitutional Law at the University of Chicago.

Rick Santorum has accused Obama of “intellectual snobbery,” because of Obama's emphasis on getting a college education.

Michael Steele, former head of the RNC, mocked Jon Huntsman speaking Mandarin during a Republican debate saying, “I thought he was ordering takeout.”

Herman Cain bragged about not knowing who the president of ‘Uzbeki-beki-stan” (Uzbekistan) was, and blew off his complete brain freeze on Libya.

For Republicans, being college educated makes you an “elitist.” They equate being an intellectual with being a socialist. In response, some clever entrepreneur created a tee shirt sporting this on the front, "If you can read this, you're a socialist."

Someone who approaches a complicated problem, like going to war in Iraq, and has the audacity to change their mind, is a “flip-flopper.” George W. Bush famously made his decision to invade Iraq based on his “gut.” Then, in the face of overwhelming evidence that his rationale for war was dead wrong, stuck to his guns.

Is it all just a ruse to appeal to what the Republicans may see as their “stupid demographic” -- the Christian fundamentalists, the conspiracy theorists, the southern redneck -- or is this what Republicans have truly become? If the former, then let them have their craven fun and beat the hell out of them at the polls. If the latter, then, quoting one of our supposed heros, we must say to them, “You are pitiful, isolated individuals! You are bankrupts. Your role is played out. Go where you belong from now on—into the dustbin of history!”

2012

Chapter 7: Anger Points

[Go to beginning]

Karl Rove sent a text to James O’Keefe, “Send more photos from OWS. Hire more helpers.” ‘Helpers’ was a euphemism for the homeless guys O’Keefe was paying to wander around Occupy Wall Street rallies and sit-ins. In a stroke of genius, O’Keefe was paying his 'helpers' with beer.

Rove turned his attention to the list he was making on a BlackBerry digital notepad app. It was labeled, ‘Anger points.’ At the same time he was listening to Reince Priebus on his cell. Priebus was whining that it was near impossible to arrange a deal for Roemer when the GOP hadn’t yet nominated its presidential candidate.

“Listen, Reince, I’m meeting with Roemer again Monday. I need to lay this out for him.” Rove got up, flushed the toilet, and walked into the bedroom of his hotel. “You need to get the top three together and tell them no RNC money unless they all agree to the deal.”

“The top three?” said Priebus.

“Romney, Gingrich, and Cain,” Rove said, punching the room service number on the desk phone.

“But what if--”

Rove interrupted, “What if Bachmann gets the nod, or Santorum, or Paul, or--”

“Perry,” said Priebus.

“Have you seen his numbers recently? The guy is shooting himself in the foot, when he doesn’t have it in his mouth. He’s losing contributors right and left. He won’t have the money to see it through. Believe me, I know,” said Rove, checking his BlackBerry for the latest polling on the Republican candidates.

“Well...,” Priebus said.

“Club sandwich, potato salad, pickle, and a coke,” Rove said.

“What?” Priebus said.

“Set up a conference call. I’ll handle it,” Rove said, ending the call before Priebus had a chance to protest.

Rove thumbed his smart phone until he found what he was looking for on Youtube. Then, while he ate, he watched the attack ad on Elizabeth Warren his Crossroads PAC had produced. He chuckled as Warren was shown in her ‘class warfare’ speech in the ad. The volume in the ad had been turned way down, so that the viewer couldn’t hear the substance of her argument. She was just gesticulating strenuously. She came out looking deranged, especially when superimposed over the chaotic scenes of the Oakland Occupy Wall Street protests. The ad’s ominous music was a bit cheesy, but in Rove’s opinion, cheesy never hurt when it came to politics. The ad cost Rove’s PAC nearly $600K, but it was worth it. The GOP couldn’t afford to lose Scott Brown’s senate seat.

By the time Rove walked out of the Ritz-Carlton and into a waiting taxi it was almost 2 pm and he still had a lot on his ‘to do’ list. His first stop was GOP Headquarters. On the way there he continued to add to his ‘anger points’ list. ‘Guns’ topped the list, followed by ‘homosexuality/gay marriage. Then he wrote, ‘Barney Frank.’ He paused, put his hand on his stomach, belched, and then dry-swallowed an antacid. Then he wrote ‘Nancy Pelosi.’ Then in rapid succession he wrote, ‘abortion,’ ‘mandated health insurance,’ ‘high cost of gas,’ ‘global warming hoax,’ and ‘unemployment.’ Rove paused to look out the window as his taxi navigated downtown Boston, and then finished his list with, ‘OWS.’ and put away his BlackBerry as the taxi pulled up in front of the drab, brick building that served as GOP Headquarters.

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously, and any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

2012

Chapter 6: Pigeon hunting in NH slow

[Go to beginning]

Instead of heading directly back to the airport, Rove told his taxi driver to take him to the Red Arrow Diner; a cup of coffee and soggy piece of pumpkin pie at the Science Center didn’t cut it. On the way, he texted Reince Priebus, “Pigeon hunting in NH slow.”

As Rove slid into a booth at the rear of the diner he saw a photo of Barack Obama on the wall at the end of the bench. Obama had come through the diner during the 2008 election, along with every candidate except McCain. Had to hand it to Obama. He was a was savvy politician.

Rove ordered a ‘DinahMoe’ from a incurably cheerful, young waitress, who seemed not to recognize him, thumbed through messages on his BlackBerry, and paged through the day’s issue of the Union Leader.

A story about Republican state Rep. J.R. Hoell of Dunbarton co-sponsoring a bill to allow guns on university campuses caught his attention. Hoell was arguing that as long as UNH received taxpayer money, they were a ‘subdivision of the state,’ should abide by the Second Amendment, and overturn their prohibition against firearms on campus.

Rove made a note to himself to think about how to better use the whole gun rights issue to his advantage in 2012. Maybe he could manufacture a rumor that Obama was planning to reinstitute the automatic weapons ban once he was reelected. Hell, he probably was. He quickly typed the outline for an Op Ed and emailed it to Chris Stirewalt at Fox.

Rove went through his email and text messages and finished scanning the paper as he wolfed down the huge DinahMoe steak burger that was a favorite of Red Arrow patrons. No wonder Americans are fat, he thought, as he polished off the last of his french fries. Before he left for the airport he took an interior photo of the Red Arrow with his smart phone and twitted, “Thanksgiving on the road at Red Arrow; work, work work.”

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination, or are used fictitiously, and any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.